Every Mom Has a Story
It is true. Every mother, regardless of what she says, had an idea of how pregnancy, labor and ultimately delivery would go. Some may have a strict birth plan with loads of research done prior, while others were open to anything and wanted to make decisions in the heat of the action. At the end of it all, every mom had her baby(s) and they all have a story to tell that will forever be a part of who they are.
My Story
I never knew I could
get pregnant (or that easily), but that isn't to say I didn't dream of a baby of my own. You see, Robby was a surprise that was never supposed to have happened. So when it did happen, I was careful. I had put a lot of thought into how I would be as a mom, but didn't bat an eye at the idea of having "options" while in labor. I thought, "you have contractions, it hurts, you go to the hospital, they take care of you and deliver your baby...voila!". What more was there to it?
Upon getting pregnant, I became very conscience about my health and put a lot of thought into everything I did. There wasn't a decision I made lightly. I wasn't a granola, tree huggin' gal who cringed at the the thought of a medicated birth. I was the opposite of that. I was very casual with pregnancy and thought of the hospital as the only logical venue to deliver. Who wouldn't think otherwise? I didn't read every best seller about pregnancy, in fact I did my own research and read controversial books like 'Bringing up Bebe'. I seldom took any of it to heart, and absorbed all this new information with a grain of salt. During my research I began to see several contradictions to what I wanted in birth and what the medicated hospital births had to offer, but I wasn't about to sign up for a midwife.
In the beginning, I had a severe morning sickness that lasted my entire first trimester and I lost a great deal of weight. I tried to eat what every doctor said I should eat and take those awful horse pills called prenatal vitamins. I thought of how women around the world could possible do this every day and for as long as our existence. How can it be THIS hard when we have been having babies for, like, forever? I was desperate for relief so I took a step back and began listening to my body. It wasn't a conscience decision nor was it wasn't something I did because I read it somewhere, but it was my only hope to helping myself feel better during that first trimester. I did what my body told me to do. I slept, ate rice, bland pasta and a ton of carbs and whole grains. It was the only way to fight off the feeling that I had to throw up. If my body craved a certain thing, I ate it, despite critics. After a while I began noticing that I wasn't as nauseated and that I was craving things like spinach, nutrient rich foods, milk and basically the food that my body needed to nourish the little being growing within me. I still felt awful taking the prenatal vitamins so I made a decision that most women would criticize and doctors here would advice against (and I can't say I advice it to other women). I stopped taking prenatal vitamins. I ate the food my body craved, and tried to eat food rich in the nutrients that I would otherwise be getting in my vitamins, and both went hand in hand.
I was a high risk patient from conception and there wasn't any decision that I made that I didn't put a lot of thought or consideration into. I am not sure if it was a miracle or me listening to my body, my gut, or my intuition, but I had a picture perfect, healthy pregnancy. In fact, after that first trimester, I had never felt better in my life! I had the aches, pains and oh the HEART BURN like most moms, but overall, I could not have imagined a more perfect pregnancy. More importantly, my son was as healthy as could be.
So now, let's go into the birth plan. I had some fellow navy spouses who had children and most had your typical hospital with an epidural and vaginal birth and swore by it. Some had their stories of how induction caused for a long and painful delivery despite the drugs, and they tore pretty bad. They talked of how rough the first weeks were when they got home and how they battled with depression later on. I figured that was pretty normal, and to tell the truth, amongst family and friends, it is.
But, there was this one girl, mother of 2 and pregnant with her third, who gently told me of her home birth. My thoughts... CRAZY! Why would anyone do such a thing!? Jeopardize your baby's health, your health and go through all that pain. Who would WANT that?! She saw my reaction as I politely disregarded her advice and dropped the subject and we began talking about cloth diapers (more to come on that in a later post).
My idea was that I wanted to have an easy recovery so that I could be physically able to bond with my son. My focus was bonding and enjoying the process. In my mind that meant a comfortable labor, delivery and a quick recovery. My intentions truly came from a selfish place in that I expected to bond regardless of how I gave birth, and assumed that the pain of labor and the recovery would affect that in some way. So, like everything else in my pregnancy, I began doing my research. I found that women who had more control in the delivery room and labored as much as they could outside of the hospital tore less. The were comfortable moving around and in their own environment than sitting on a hospital bed and confined there. In theory, you would let your body go through labor in your own environment where you could move around and once at the hospital, you would control the pushing vice the doctor or nurse. This allowed time for skin and everything affected by labor stretch slowly. This sounded good to me. So to labor as much as I could outside the hospital and to
"labor down" was my plan.
*The labor down technique is basically allowing the baby to go down the birth canal with the contractions vice directed pushing. It also allows the area to slowly stretch.
I also read that once you have an epidural, you statistically have a longer recovery and are in the hospital longer after delivery. I wanted to go home as soon as I could, so as much as it pained me to say, I wanted to keep my options open and decide in the heat of the moment if I could handle labor with no epidural. I relied on the idea that I could have a cocktail of pain medication in my IV to take the edge off.
Laboring Down
The night came that labor started and I honestly had no idea. I kept questioning if I was in labor or not. It was so subtle and not painful that I couldn't tell if it was my wanting to be in labor or actual labor. So I timed it...from 10pm until noon the next day I had contractions 10, 7, 5, then 3 minutes apart. At noon, I knew this had to be the real deal, but still no pain and I was happy. So I made my way close to the hospital but stopped for some lunch and shopping. The contractions were consistently 4-2 minutes apart. It didn't hurt, I didn't feel pressure and I didn't feel anything going on "down there". My water was in tact still, but I knew that after 18 hours had past and the fact the contractions were so close, I needed to go ahead and go to the hospital, or I was having a baby on my own.
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| I'm in labor, TOAST! |
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| My parents and I walking toward L&D at Naval Medical Center Portsmouth |
I was checked in the L&D triage and I was 5cm to 6cm dilated, fully effaced and I was indeed having strong contractions, though it didn't hurt in the slightest. Piece of cake this labor stuff is! The nurse had already checked me in and had a bed ready for me but warned that once I went into the room, I wasn't leaving without a baby so she told me that since I felt great to grab a bite to eat. Food? Sounds good to me!
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| This can't be labor?! |
We left the hospital (bad mistake!) and went to dinner down the street. We pulled up to the restaurant and labor reared its ugly head. H O L Y . C O N T R A C T I O N . This was when labor started in my head. It hurt. It was bad. I got over the height of it and the contraction went away. So we sat down and ordered our food. Two minutes later, another came. One minute, another came. These were back to back to back UGLY, PAINFUL CONTRACTIONS. I howled in the middle of restaurant. It was raw, it was intense and it wasn't stopping. Every contraction stopped me in my track and paralyzed me. We rushed back to the hospital and all their beds were now full (it was a full moon that night). It took them 30 minutes to get me back there, but it was hours to me. Everything became a blur and I was in the part of labor where you feel helpless. It hurts and it isn't getting better. It is getting worse. I was faced with the biggest obstacle I have ever face in my life and I just knew I could not do this. As we walked in, I managed a few words between contractions... DRUGS, EPIDURAL, SPINAL BLOCK, C-SECTION, NOW!
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| I was told that it was too late for medication, and the tears were flowing |
They put the IV in and rushed me the the bed where an anesthesiologist was already on his way. They checked me and I was transitioning. Labor had been a walk in the park until that dreaded 7cm mark. The nurse sympathized with me and broke the news to me that it was too late for my IV cocktail. I cried, but knew that an epidural was on it's way. The man of the year entered the room and I cried with pain and joy that he was there. I didn't care how big that needle was. I was ready for that pain block. I leaned over and felt him poke at my back. My contractions were one after another and I was nervous that there wouldn't be enough time in between contractions for him to get the catheter in my back. He assured me that he had done this many times and he'd be in and out. An hour passed by and he had attempted 4 times for an epidural and had inserted 4 needles in my back each time. We both knew, it wasn't working. He then tried one last time and said "got it". <Insert joyful music here> He informed me that within minutes the numbing would start and at that time family came back into the room. I was happy and excited that they were back and that I would be relived soon. Fast forward an hour...It was now nearing 10pm and I had been laboring for 24 hours by now. I was exhausted and wanted to catch a nap before game time, but I couldn't sleep. The pain was still there. I felt my legs, I felt the contractions worsening, and so the nurse rotated me from side to side, hoping that the medicine would ease into the catheter that was between my vertebrates. It didn't work and I was dying. I was literally dying. I could barely open my eyes. My energy, my strength and my hopes for even slight relief were gone. I had nothing left. I was 9.5 cm and my water was manually broken which only intensified the back laboring contractions. I looked at my mom and asked her to tell them to c-section me. I used every ounce of strength I had, and I used it to beg. The anesthesiologist came back and tried to adjust the epidural. It didn't work. He did the hot/cold test to see where/if I was numb. I felt everything. The epidural didn't work. It was later discovered that my slight scoliosis caused there to be such a small gap between my vertebrates that I was simply
not a good candidate for an epidural. By this point, I was fully dilated and my nurse, an angel, asked me if I still wished to labor down. I didn't feel an urge to push, I had no strength, so I said yes. In reality, I said yes to making this torture last longer, but it was something my body was telling me to do. I wasn't ready to push. Two hours passed and at 2am, the nurse, a training doctor and a head doctor said it was time... PUSH! I still didn't feel an urge. I felt pain and overwhelming contractions, but not the strong urge I had heard about.
We began pushing. They softly tried to direct the pushes based off of the stupid beeping machine that showed my contractions. It made me tired and no progress was made. 3 hours passed of pushing at their direction. They told me the baby was still far up the canal, but too low for a section so I had to keep going. I had to give myself a pep talk. I went to that place I went to when I was faced with decisions on what would be best for my baby and I and my gut said to push at times that contradicted when the staff asked me to push. Not realizing what I was doing, I ended up doing what is called
spontaneous pushing, and wouldn't you know I made progress. The mood went from hopelessness to a crowd of medical personal prepping for the win. I was the come back kid. Robby was making his entrance into the world!After FOUR hours of pushing, we had a baby! What a rush of happiness, relief, joy, tears and a feeling that no word could ever come close to describe. That was the feeling of being a new mom. It was the feeling of having delivered my baby on my own.
The hospital I delivered at was amazingly pro-mom when it came to births which are a rarity in our country. They promoted natural, uninterrupted births if at all possible and support those crazy moms who come in wanting to do it on their own. They support moms, like me, who didn't think they could do it on their own, but they supported me by giving me confidence that my body knew what it was doing despite the lack of intervention. They had no nursery for newborns. Babies were kept with their mothers from birth until discharge. The hospital acknowledged the fact that it was vital for bonding between mother and baby to keep them close. This would encourage successful nursing, less risk of postpartum depression and promote healing. They encouraged skin to skin contact and nursing immediately after the birth. I am talking about from womb to the breast in a few seconds and that is where they stayed for an hour, after which they would do the measurements, bath and vaccines. I didn't realize it until after we had Robby, that this hospital was on to something that many hospitals have forgotten or disregarded as not important.
Listening to My Body
I reflected back on the 32 hour journey, actually 9 month journey, and I can't say I regretted anything. It was perfect. I had an unintended natural birth and it was the MOST AMAZING experience of my life. I had a hard recovery anyways, but I was home the next morning. 24 hours, I was in and out. As much as it pained me to, I walked daily and 2 days postpartum I even went shopping for a rocking chair. I attribute that to the epidural not ever working, and despite what my laboring self said during the midst of the event, I am glad it didn't work. Robby and I shared an incredible bond the second he came into our world. I wasn't tired in the way I expected to be, I felt natural, comfortable and confident in nursing and I had this connection with Robby that I couldn't explain. My body told me what I needed to do, and I listened to it. That was a theme that repeated itself from conception and even now as Robby is 13 months old. I attribute my experience with the bonding, the rush of having given birth and the confidence of being a first time mom to having Robby naturally. I didn't seek out to have it this way. I wanted to avoid it. After all, that friend who had all her children naturally at home was crazy right? Now I wanted to approach her and say, "I get it now." I tear up thinking about the experience. It was amazing. I couldn't imagine Robby's birth any better except if it were in my own home. As long as I and baby are healthy, we will always opt for the "pro-mommy" births.
The Business of Being Born
You may or may not have heard of this documentary called The Business of Being Born. It was mind blowing and tear jerking in ways that brought me back to the day my son was born. I watched it soon after Robby's birth. Why didn't I watch this documentary sooner? Everything my gut, my instinct and my body was telling me during my pregnancy, labor and as a new mom was being sang loud and clear through out the documentary. I highly recommend this series to any mom to be. I am not promoting home births for all women, but I am certainly interested in talking about the nature behind what happens during birth. The natural hormones that are released that give a mom that rush, which is in fact mother natures bond between mother and baby. I am not anti hospital medicated births. I am not pro natural home births. I am pro mother. Between midwives and most hospitals, I have to side with midwives for being more pro mother. I was grateful to have had the experience I had at Naval Medical Portsmouth. I believe that conquering one of the most feared life events a woman may have gave me the confidence to enter motherhood. I was grateful that the hospital didn't take the opportunity to face my fear away.
That's My Story and I'm Sticking to It
So there you have it. That was my story of how I brought my son into this world. I love hearing about friends' stories and each are so different and unique, but we all share one thing that is the same and that is the bond of motherhood. It is a feeling that some get immediately after having a natural birth, or after being wheeled into the recovery room after a c-section and holding your baby for the first time, or it could be the moment you put your eyes on your adopted child. It is a feeling we get all after very different journeys, but the feeling we share is the same. We are parents. We are forever a mommy to someone very special now.
